One Last Kiss
by inhysterics
Summary: Songfic to Madina Lake.


At Your Door  
(One Last Kiss - Madina Lake)

I'm inspecting the door of your apartment. It's labelled number twenty-three, painted white and perfectly flat and smooth. A round, gold bell sits in the middle, waiting to be rung. I place my hand against the door. It's cold and hard against my skin. It's exactly the same as you, now. Not like you used to be, _but things changed_.  
My fingers creep upwards towards the bell. I can feel the small lever which would trigger the bright tinkling sound. The sound of everything. I hold it between my fingers, but I let it go so gently that it makes no sound. I can't do this. My hand falls away from the door, knocking limply into my side. I feel dead.

I can picture you in my head. It's easy; I know every hair on your head, every line on your face and the way you execute any action.  
I can picture you on the day when you were wearing the most perfect dress. It was black, but it made you look just like an angel nonetheless. Your deep brown hair fell in gentle curls around your face, framing it like everything was natural; the way your hair was coloured, straightened and then curled, the makeup on your eyes, your cheeks. I believed every lie you could offer.

This was the day when your eyes were perfect, as I looked into their deep brown, both muddy and crystalline at once. They were surrounded by powder and colour, same as always and beautiful as every time before, but as I looked at you I could see the mascara and the black eye pencil smudging and running, bleeding over your face. Your eyes, they were watering. Your lip trembled.

That feeling in my chest, it must have been my heart stopping. The whole world stopped and I was choking, my head was pounding.  
"Goodbye." The word came from your painted lips.  
I stood before you, and suddenly I felt small, although you were shorter than me. Height was put aside in such an imbalance of power.  
_Goodbye. _The word washed over me, brushing its icy fingers through my hair, its sharp needles puncturing my skin and everything inside my body.  
"There's someone in the world for you, I know there is." Your expression was apologetic, but I was so sure I could see laughter in your eyes. It wasn't fair, and I could tell you knew that. You knew I was in the palm of your hand.  
"And there's someone here for me, too; I've found her." You looked at me for a moment. Maybe you thought I didn't understand what you meant. "She's not you." You added, as though I needed it. Did I have legs? I couldn't feel them. Arms? Hands? They certainly weren't responding. Every ounce of my consciousness was racking my chest violently inside. My eyes started to fill, though I tried to stop them.  
"Good luck." You said, turning around and walking back into your apartment. You shut the door behind you and then I collapsed.  
Now I could tell where my knees were, as they collided heavily with the tiled foyer where I had been standing. Now I knelt and couldn't pull myself back up. All my energy was forcing the simple action of breathing; I couldn't do this. I still can't. I didn't see the people around me as my chest heaved and sharp chills like electric shocks jolted up my spine. I realised that some people don't get hurt like this; tomorrow you won't even remember how we were.

So this is where I am again. I'm right where I was that day, sobbing on the floor. Now I can stand up on my feet, but I'm not sure how exactly I manage. It's getting too late, counting how long it's taken me just to put my hand to this doorknob. Days, weeks, months. You won't remember me, I am almost sure of it.

But I can't sleep while I'm thinking of you, and I always am. I can't bear to think about how someone else is sleeping beside you now, where I used to. Someone else walking with you, holding your hand. Not me, anymore.  
I can cry again, too. I never could while you were there. Have you ever seen me crying? I've seen your makeup leaching into itself; mascara into eyeliner, eyeliner into powder, powder down your cheeks into lipstick, but never been able to summon those tears of my own. Now I'm hopeless enough that I don't have to try too hard and I'm a mess. The day you cry is always the one you don't have anyone there to hold you up.

I did everything you asked me to, whether you realise that you asked me or not. I was always there, whether or not you asked me to be or whether or not you even noticed I was there.  
I wanted nothing more than for you to notice me, and I wanted nothing more than to hold onto you when you were in trouble, or when you needed someone. I wanted to the someone, _that _someone. And, for just a while, I was, though I never really knew it.  
You knew I would do anything for you. You knew that when I asked you what it was you were doing, I would want to try it. I don't know if it ever occurred to you that I was trying to ask you to invite me in the first place.

So I've got these scars that you might like to take the credit for, and I've got this broken thing inside of me that you might have called a heart, once. I've got these memories of you and of every waking moment of the past year; they're the same thing- you were everything I thought about, every spent minute of my life.  
Now my life just _isn't_, and I'm trying to get it back, though I know the only way I can do that is to get you back. I just need _something._

And I'm still standing here, in silence, before this two-inch-thick piece of timber that separates me from you. My fingers move to the gold bell again, but then something moves. A sound, from the other side of the door, I'm sure. The handle, it's turning. I step back in alarm, but I freeze before I can actually turn and run, so I'm watching the handle, still turning. It seems to take hours for every tiny movement.

Then everything's in fast forward, and you're standing there. You're leaning towards me. Your lips find my cheek. They find my own lips, then they're gone, and you're gone.

While I had been wishing for something, anything, I got just what I asked for, but leaving now will be even more painful than before. I'll never be happy enough-

_Now I need so much more. _

She looked at me her eyes were watering  
Then i knew that this was about to end  
Frozen in that moment, Time was standing still  
I could feel my heart,

Goodbye, She said  
Theres someone in this world for you  
So goodluck, She said  
I went and found somebody new

She walked away and i could hardly breath  
Turn around and fell down to my knees  
I'm shivering as the truth is settling  
I'm sure tomorrow is nothing to do

And i, Can't lie still  
When theres someone else beside you  
And i, Can cry still  
Cuz i'm all alone this time

I remember when you were falling  
And i was their just holding onto you  
And i remember all those  
Scars i wear that you carved in me

And i gave you every waking moment  
I gave you everything you wanted  
And now, I know your giving me up

So before, You go  
Could you just leave me one more kiss?


End file.
